The Trouble with Militants
by frostyfreezyfreeze54
Summary: Wade gets the opportunity to join his favorite revolutionary group, but he finds out they may not be what they seem. Meanwhile, after getting a stomachache from drinking a can of Mountain Dew, Buster decides to sue PepsiCo.
1. The Trouble with Militants Script

_Thank You, Heavenly_

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day

SEASON 4

EPISODE 15

Airdate: May 29, 2016

"The Trouble with Militants"

SCENE 1

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _Minus Wade, the guys are all watching TV._

SPARKY: Where's Wade? He said he was coming twenty minutes ago.

RK: Don't rush Wade, man, he knows what he's doing.

BUSTER: Maybe he was abducted by aliens as part of a government experimentation on human life.

JAYLYNN: One, that's your go-to for everything. Two, why would the government be involved in abduction?

BUSTER: Because that's what the government does. You think they just...wake up one day and decide to do everything for the people? I don't know, Jaylynn, things are getting spooky.

 _Wade rushes in with a flier._

BUSTER: There you are. Wade, could you explain to Jaylynn that there's a government conspiracy that will end in all of us getting killed?

WADE: I could, but that would take too long. Check it out. _Wade shows off the flier for the respect festival._ The Freedom Crew is making an appearance at the respect festival this weekend at Northgate!

SPARKY: The respect festival? I thought that was cancelled when people rioted over the date.

WADE: That was settled in court. Anyway, the Freedom Crew is the youngest revolutionary group in the Pacific Northwest. They really look out for black people and I can't wait to tell them how much I appreciate their exemplary work. Maybe I could join their ranks!

SPARKY: Don't get your hopes up too high, Wade. It's never a great experience meeting your heroes. That's why I only meet mine in dreams.

RK: Sparko's right. You just wake up one day and your childhood role model is now a racist or a rapist or a druggie or an alcoholic. Nobody's safe.

WADE: When did you realize that your heroes aren't what you thought they were?

RK: The first time I watched Bob Saget's stand-up. I couldn't watch _Full House_ for two months.

SCENE 2

Northgate Community Center

Interior Convention Hall

Seattle, Washington

 _The kids are now at the respect festival with several other people. There are booths with anti-discrimination groups, orange pins with the word "#Respect" on them, and a large banner hanging over the hall that says "Be There for Your Fellow Man." Jaylynn is at the LGBT seminar located in the poetry class._

SEMINAR HOST: Transgender people are hardly understood by mainstream society. It is important to understand that they cannot harm you, and that they have the right to pursue the lifestyle they desire.

 _Jaylynn raises her hand._

JAYLYNN: Yeah, I have a question. I didn't understand it when Caitlyn Jenner said she still wanted to date girls.

SEMINAR HOST: Well, your sexuality never has anything to do with what gender you are.

JAYLYNN: Okay, but in that case, wouldn't that make her a lesbian?

SEMINAR HOST: No, it wouldn't. She was a man who was attracted to women, and then became a woman still attracted to women, so that makes her straight.

JAYLYNN: That doesn't make any sense. Shouldn't we treat her like a woman and not make exceptions for her when it becomes convenient?

SEMINAR HOST: Look, you're not a part of the LGBT. You won't get it.

JAYLYNN: Actually, I am.

SEMINAR HOST: Oh. Well, until you're old enough to host a seminar, you shouldn't be arguing with me.

SCENE 3

Northgate Community Center

Interior Convention Hall

Seattle, Washington

 _Buster and RK are in a seminar about settling conflicts with nonviolence._

SEMINAR HOST: Now Buster, RK, read the cards you have written down for each other.

BUSTER: "RK, I know you're upset at me for stealing your Juicy Juice, but I was really thirsty and it was the apple flavor. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me and not cause me any physical harm."

RK: "Buster, as much as I want to pound your face into several tiny shards of glass for stealing my Juicy Juice, I respect your apology and your honesty. I hope you know I'm not angry at all and will use my words to solve problems." Okay, this shit is unrealistic, I should be giving him a beatdown right now.

SEMINAR HOST: RK, the reason most conflicts result in violence is that most people don't think about the consequences before doing something dangerous. This is about settling issues peacefully, respecting each other enough not to use fists but good old-fashioned diplomacy.

RK: I respect my opponents enough not to kick them in the nuts.

SPARKY: Sir, if I may interject, you...probably should have gotten someone else for this demonstration.

SEMINAR HOST: Yeah. I see that now.

 _The scene cuts to Wade walking around in another area of the center, and then spots the Freedom Crew making a speech in front of a large crowd._

WADE: Oh my God. This is it. The Freedom Crew in all their glory! Okay, these are very distinguished, principled, forthright individuals. The important thing is to stay calm and not be intimidated by their stature.

LEROY: If it can happen to you, it can happen to anyone. The Freedom Crew is here to uplift the black man in 2016. The system is no match for a strong political revolution!

BEN: Here, take our fliers. Spread the word, tell your friends!

 _The crowd starts leaving as Wade approaches the Crew._

WADE: Um, Freedom Crew? Hello, my name is Wade Saltalamacchia and I am an avid supporter of your organization. I believe you are one of the best things to ever happen to the black community and I would be honored to help you in your work.

LEROY: We're not looking for new recruits.

WADE: I know that. But here's the thing, Leroy. You and I both want African-Americans to succeed. So why don't I try doing my part alongside you and prove that I'm a valuable asset?

BEN: I don't trust this guy at all.

JAMES: Yeah, he might be lying about his love for black people to get an easy acceptance into the Crew.

LEROY: Guys, he can hear everything you're saying. Wade, the Freedom Crew is a very exclusive club aiming to eliminate white supremacy and advance the interests of our fellow brothers. We have to know you have what it takes.

WADE: I do.

LEROY: Really?

WADE: Affirmative.

LEROY: Okay, I like the attitude. Alright, Wade, you have yourself a shot. This weekend, the Freedom Crew will be making an appearance at your living quarters for an evaluation.

WADE: An evaluation? That means...

LEROY: Yes, Wade, if we are impressed by your evaluation and how you represent yourself as a young black man, you will be in the running to receive a spot in the Freedom Crew.

WADE: Wow, this is actually happening! You gentlemen will not be disappointed. Let me give you my address.

 _Meanwhile, near the vending machine..._

BUSTER: Sparky, I'm feeling thirsty. You want a drink?

SPARKY: No, I'm good. Wait, you're thirsty again? You just finished a bottle of grape juice.

BUSTER: Yeah, but I have to go home with something. A souvenir, if you will. A memento of my experiences, to put it...

SPARKY: I get it.

BUSTER: Good, I was starting to run out of ways to explain it to you. Let's see. Mountain Dew's looking pretty good. All green and full of citrus and sugar. One day, the world's most brilliant men came together and changed the landscape of soda. Mountain Dew was born.

SPARKY: So you buying that shit or what?

BUSTER: I guess so. Hello again, old friend.

 _Buster puts in his dollar and quarters into the vending machine and selects the bottle of Mountain Dew._

BUSTER: Ice cold and delicious. This is a real man's soda.

SPARKY: Eh, I'm more of a Sprite guy. You're not going to drink that now, are you?

BUSTER: Of course not. I don't think my body can take it. But Mountain Dew's never steered me wrong before so...

 _The scene cuts to Buster clutching his stomach in pain in Sparky's car. The kids all have emotionless expressions._

BUSTER: AAAAAAHHHHH! SON OF A BITCH! THIS IS THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE! SPARKY, OBAMA, ANYBODY SAVE MEEEEEEEEEE!

SCENE 3

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _Buster is writhing in pain on the couch while Sparky walks up to him with a glass of water._

SPARKY: Here's some water. I thought this would help.

BUSTER: Thank you. I love me some hydro.

 _Buster starts drinking the water but still grabs his stomach._

SPARKY: Buster, do you need to go to the emergency room?

BUSTER: Maybe in the next 24 hours. Oh man. I can't believe this. That Mountain Dew almost killed me.

SPARKY: That's because you drank too much beforehand.

BUSTER: That's ridiculous. I once put away six Coca-Colas and a pink lemonade at that Christmas party, and I never felt better. It's a plot, Sparky. A sick, twisted plot to take children's money and sell them defective products. Well, I've had it! It's time for the man to get what he deserves.

SPARKY: You're going to sue PepsiCo?!

BUSTER: How did you know what I was going to say?

SPARKY: Well, it was either that or you would just go on a hunger strike until Pepsi made Mountain Dew healthier. Buster, you can't do this. You're never going to take down a corporation like that.

BUSTER: Sparky, I have to do this. This is my quest. I'm like that tribe who...went on that quest that one time teaching latchkey kids about jazz. I don't know if what I said actually happened, but the point is, I'm onto something. Those bastards are going to pay for betraying my trust.

SPARKY: This is going to be one of those longer weeks, huh?

BUSTER: You know it, man.

SCENE 4

The Saltalamacchia Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _Wade is dressed in an all-black suit while adjusting one of the pictures on his wall frantically. It is a picture of Testicular Sound Express from the portrait they took in "Papa Crazy." Everyone else, including Adriana, is in the living room dressed in all-black as well._

WADE: NOOOOOOO! This picture is not perfectly adjusted to the structure of the house!

ADRIANA: Baby, it's fine. Just relax, that Freedom Crew is going to love your personality and beg to put you in.

WADE: I'm hoping. I haven't felt trepidation like this in a long time.

RK: Wade, you know I'm supporting you one hundred percent and I personally think black is a sexy color but don't you think this is a little...I don't know, much?

WADE: What do you mean? Are you against the revolution? Are you a conformist like the rest?!

RK: Don't you ever put that word near my name again. I'm just saying, some of this might be considered pandering.

WADE: I'm not pandering, you're pandering. You pander to yourself every day.

RK: You're deflecting from the subject.

WADE: I'm not deflecting from the subject, _you're_ deflecting from the subject!

BUSTER: Did I tell you guys I'm suing PepsiCo?

WADE: Of course you are. Look, RK, I just want this night to be perfect. The Freedom Crew makes it possible for people to embrace their blackness and be part of a movement bigger than themselves. I want them to know we have solidarity just like them.

JAYLYNN: Oh, so now you want new friends? You don't think we're good enough anymore?

WADE: What? That's absurd, I never thought that.

JAYLYNN: Did you flick a switch and erase us from your memory? Did you ever love us at all?!

WADE: What?

JAYLYNN: I don't know, I'm bored.

 _The doorbell is heard and Wade gasps._

WADE: They're here! Okay, everyone pay close attention. Adriana, be yourself in every possible way. Buster, don't say anything stupid. Sparky, don't ramble about your relatives. Jaylynn, don't act like a soft little mush ball. RK, don't be too...RK.

RK: I'll try my best.

 _Wade opens the door and lets in the Freedom Crew. They are all wearing matching Oakland Raiders jackets._

WADE: Gentlemen, please enjoy this evaluation. I guarantee you will not be disappointed.

LEROY: Thank you Wade. It's really important for us to gauge just how important the crew is to...where are the pictures?

WADE: What?

LEROY: You don't have any pictures of black leaders anywhere in this room? How are we supposed to take you seriously if you're turning this much of a blind eye to the cause?

WADE: Well, I have Marcus Garvey and W.E.B. DuBois posters in my room.

BEN: Oh, so you're too ashamed to represent black power in your living room?

JAMES: For shame, Wade. For shame.

 _Sparky and Buster stare at each other confused._

LEROY: Um, who are all these people?

WADE: Where are my manners? Well, Leroy, this is my beautiful, loving girlfriend Adriana.

LEROY: Pleased to make your acquaintance.

ADRIANA: Thank you. I want you to know I really admire your organization.

LEROY: Really? _You_ admire this organization?

JAMES: Hmmm, she's kinda hot.

BEN: You better make sure you wipe the drool from your tongue slobbering all over European women like that.

JAMES: Give it a rest, man, I say what I feel.

WADE: And these are my best friends in the entire universe. Sparky, Buster, Jaylynn, and my best friend RK.

RK: Salutations. If you don't let Wade into the group, I'm pretty sure a...monetary agreement can be worked out if you're picking up what I'm putting down.

LEROY: I don't take bribes.

RK: I'm not accusing you of that, but it's like what the "Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase once said: Everyone has a price.

BEN: Damn, does he even talk to anybody black?

JAMES: If I see more raccoon shit like this, you better break out the tap dancing shoes.

SCENE 5

The Saltalamacchia Household

Interior Dining Room

Seattle, Washington

 _TSE, Adriana, and the Freedom Crew are having dinner. There is an awkward silence._

RK: This is good chicken. Reminds me of the...first time I had chicken way back when...

 _Wade elbows RK in the gut, preventing him from speaking._

RK: You son of a bitch, I was trying to tell a story here!

BEN: He even lets the white man come in here, eat his food, and talk to him like that in front of everyone.

JAMES: That boy ain't right. No, but on a serious note, this chicken really does hit.

 _Ben gives James an annoyed stare, but James simply shrugs._

LEROY: So, Wade, you're real buddies with these guys, huh?

WADE: I sure am. They keep me grounded, I can talk to them about anything. My life wouldn't be the same without any of them.

LEROY: Um...yeah, interesting. I do find it interesting how you brought your girlfriend and your ex-girlfriend to dinner. Can't imagine how awkward that must be.

JAYLYNN: I never dated Wade. I don't even like guys.

LEROY: Look, you don't have to lie. Sometimes, relationships don't work out.

JAYLYNN: I'm a freaking lesbian! I've never even been in a relationship before.

SPARKY: Well, at least edgy Jaylynn is here.

BUSTER: You know, I believe that PepsiCo really needs to pay for what they did to me. That's why I'm suing their pants off and taking all their money.

BEN: Why do you want to sue them?

BUSTER: Well, PepsiCo is a very respectable company, and I admire their hard work, but they almost poisoned me with their Mountain Dew.

WADE: Oh God.

LEROY: Buster, I have long held the belief that Mountain Dew is an unsavory drink, but how did they try to poison you?

BUSTER: The drink gave me a bad tummy ache. True story.

SPARKY: I'm a witness.

LEROY: Uh...okay. So, Adriana, how did you and Wade meet?

ADRIANA: Well, Buster actually met me, my best friend Anna, and my deceased friend Diana at the corner store. I was originally RK's date but then I just clicked with Wade and ever since then, I haven't been the same. He changed me.

WADE: The same way you changed me, darling.

 _Wade and Adriana start kissing to Leroy's disgust._

BEN: Wait, did you say that your friend is deceased?

BUSTER: Yeah, she did. I killed her.

 _Leroy spits out his drink and starts coughing._

JAMES: What?! Why would you murder a sister?!

BUSTER: Well, I didn't want to, but her and this other girl who tried to get with me for some unknown reason kidnapped my friends and threatened to kill them if I didn't fight them. I also killed the other girl. Pretty traumatic Halloween. Okay, so where's the apple pie?

LEROY: THAT'S IT! BOYS, WE ARE OUT LIKE A LIGHT, I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!

WADE: You can't leave! What about the evaluation?

LEROY: Oh, trust me, Wade, we have seen enough to know you're not Freedom Crew material. Hell, you're not even African-American.

WADE: What the hell are you talking about?

LEROY: Oh, come on, Wade, you know it's true! What kind of self-respecting black person has no black pride in their living room, only dates white girls, hangs out with cornball Caucasians and mass murderers, and invites their sexually confused ex to dinner?

JAYLYNN: I spit on people like you.

LEROY: Of course you do. Face it, Wade, you worship the white man in everything you do and you don't even know it. This is Stockholm Syndrome like I've never seen before.

SPARKY: Hey, lay off of Wade.

RK: Yeah. He's the smartest guy we know, and he always remembers where he came from!

LEROY: How pathetic. You need your white friends to play Superman for you. We'll be leaving now.

 _The Freedom Crew walks out the door and Wade is left rejected._

ADRIANA: Wade, it's going to be okay. We'll get through this.

WADE: No, it won't. It will never be okay.

 _Wade leaves the dining room and walks upstairs while the kids look at each other with worried expressions._

SCENE 6

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _Later that night, Sparky is watching TV while Buster is on his laptop._

SPARKY: You know, I can't stop thinking about Wade. He must be crushed, that dinner was a complete disaster.

BUSTER: He doesn't need negative people like that. We know how great he is, and if those freedom jerks can't see it, screw them. Hey, do you know how to get in touch with _The_ _Seattle Times_?

SPARKY: I think you just email them directly. Why?

BUSTER: I want to contact the local media and share my story. If I'm going to sue PepsiCo, I have to give them a fair warning beforehand.

SPARKY: Buster, don't you think this lawsuit might be kinda pointless? What if they end up stomping you out in court? They have everything; Money, power, status, money.

BUSTER: You said money twice.

SPARKY: I know, it was for emphasis.

BUSTER: Oh. Well, I still think I should give it a shot. So many people get cheated every day by big business and now that I'm one of them, I'm not just going to take it. I'm like that famous rock band who made fun of transgender people but had like, messages and shit.

SPARKY: It just doesn't seem like a good use of your time. I mean, it's Pepsi. How are you going to take them down without a case or legal representation or evidence?

BUSTER: You know, it's really easy to say that when you're on the sidelines, Sparky. Do you know how much pressure I'm under? I have the chance to expose one of America's most trusted companies. I gave PepsiCo nothing but my love and money for years, then they stuck a knife through my stomach with that tainted Mountain Dew. I refuse to be another victim, so I ask you now: Are you going to be there and support me as my best friend, or are you just going to sit around and judge me while the other side wins?

SPARKY: You know what, Buster? If this lawsuit is that important to you, then I'm going to be there for you. Let's take those bastards down!

BUSTER: Alright, that's what I'm talking about! Lock your windows and close your doors, Mort and Carl are back at it!

SPARKY: Mort and Carl?

BUSTER: Yeah. Your middle name's Morton, mine's Carlisle?

SPARKY: Oh yeah, right. Damn, we have terrible middle names.

BUSTER: Yeah, our parents really screwed us over on that one.

SCENE 7

Freedom Crew Headquarters

Interior Meeting Hall

Seattle, Washington

 _The Crew has gathered around a large table in the hall to discuss certain events. They are wearing black robes, and the walls are all painted black with a huge red, black, and green logo of the African continent on the table._

LEROY: Alright, so we need a catchy slogan to promote ourselves. Something better than "Take the chains away."

JAMES: What's wrong with "Take the chains away?"

LEROY: It's corny. We're the Freedom Crew, we need to reinvent ourselves. It has to be something only we would think of.

BEN: Okay, well, how about "Don't change the world. Change yourself first."

LEROY: Eh...we'll think about it.

 _Wade walks in through the door and marches towards the Crew._

BEN: Oh, look, it's Captain Coon.

LEROY: What in the name of Allah are you doing here? This meeting is top secret.

WADE: I distracted the security guard with a riddle he couldn't solve.

JAMES: Really?

WADE: No, I just lied and said you guys inducted me. Now listen, the dinner was a mistake and a bad first impression. I'm very valuable to your organization, I just need one more chance.

LEROY: Forget it. We're not here to rehabilitate tap-dancing reprobates with addictions to white people.

WADE: I'm not addicted to white people! That's a disgusting lie!

LEROY: Look, I see this all the time, Wade, if that's even your real name. Girlfriend with Eurocentric features, white friends, pretending to be down for the cause even though you would drop us in a second just to lick the boots of your oppressors. You're no different from the rest.

JAMES: Oh yeah, Wade, I got you your dancing shoes. You never told me what your size is but I figured this would do.

WADE: Get those damn things away from me! I get it, Leroy. There are plenty of black people who would sell out their own kind for white validation, but I'm not one of them. I choose to hang out with those guys because they're the best people I know. I choose to date Adriana because she's an amazing girl. And I choose to come here and ask for another shot because I believe in your movement. I'll do anything to be in this group. Anything.

BEN: Wow. He really wants in.

KID: Wait, we're really letting this suburbanite punk become one of us?

LEROY: QUIET! Wade, I must admit, you peak my curiosity. Alright, because I'm possibly the smartest guy I know, I'll give you the choice of a lifetime. You can be one of my senior advisors in the Freedom Crew...

WADE: YES! YES, I'LL TAKE IT!

LEROY: Hold on. You can be a member, if, and only if, you drop those lame friends and break up with that cavewoman girlfriend of yours.

WADE: What? You're asking me to give up my life for this?

JAMES: I knew he wasn't for real.

LEROY: I guess so. Well, Wade, it was nice seeing you. Isn't your middle name Rakim?

WADE: Yeah, after the rapper.

LEROY: Well, from now on, I'm going to switch that to Remus because that's all you are to me.

WADE: Wait! I have to think about this first. _*sighs*_ Okay. If that's what it takes to join the Freedom Crew, then I'll stop hanging out with the guys and dump Adriana.

LEROY: Amazing. Looks like you really are down for the cause. But if we're going to do this, we're going to do this right. Everybody stand up and show some respect for the newest member of the Freedom Crew, senior advisor Wade Saltalamacchia!

BEN: True to the game!

KIDS: True to the game!

 _Wade has a big smile on his face as the Crew raises their glasses in celebration._

SCENE 8

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

 _Wade walks in the school whistling "Crew Love" by Drake featuring The Weeknd as he heads towards his locker. RK spots him and runs towards him._

RK: Hey Wade, what's going on? How are you holding up?

WADE: Great, great. I feel amazing, reborn, brand-new.

RK: Really? Oh, so you're feeling fresh out the womb?

WADE: What?

RK: I don't know, Buster said that this morning. I'm glad you're feeling better. You know, after the whole Freedom Crew thing.

WADE: Oh, don't worry about it. It's all water under the bridge now. _*in his mind*_ _I can't tell the guys I got in the Crew. They wouldn't approve and if they did, they would start talking to the Crew then they would know I lied about not hanging out with the guys anymore. I'm at a rock and a hard place. What do I do? You know what? Just pretend everything's okay._

RK: _*in his mind* You know, I haven't seen Anna in a while. The hell's going on, it's like I'm getting no action anymore. I feel like a single guy at a Maxwell concert. Wait, I was talking to Wade about something._ _*RK notices Wade blankly staring at him* Oh God, it's like he knows I'm talking to my thoughts. Why is he still looking at me? Great, I thought too long and now it's weird. SAY SOMETHING, DAMN YOU!_ Um...bow chicka wow wow? _F***!_

SCENE 9

The Saltalamacchia Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _Wade is watching TV while Adriana is in the closet._

ADRIANA: I can't find it anywhere, Wade.

WADE: Just keep looking, the DVD's in there.

ADRIANA: Okay, but I don't have a lot of confidence right now. That's a big deal with situations like this. Hey, what's this?

WADE: What's what?

 _Wade goes in the closet and gasps in horror when he sees that Adriana has found his Freedom Crew robe._

ADRIANA: I've never seen you wear this before. Is it new?

WADE: Yup, you bet. One hundred percent new, no misleading information about that.

ADRIANA: Oh yeah? What's it for?

WADE: To wear after a shower.

ADRIANA: This doesn't look like a shower robe, Wade.

WADE: Oh, well, it's not just for showers, Adi. Um, RK's having a costume party where you have to come dressed as characters from _Simpsons_ episodes, and I wanted to look like...Homer that time he joined the Stonecutters.

ADRIANA: Well, that makes sense. It's a really nice robe. You know what? I'm bored looking for this DVD. Could we just kiss for a bit and see where it takes us?

WADE: Sure thing. Who needs the movie?

 _Adriana and Wade both leave the closet._

WADE: Man, I almost blew my cover. I can't be exposed. I'll look like a bigger idiot than Buster when he pretended to be Jaylynn.

 _CUTAWAY GAG_

 _Buster is making the boys laugh at lunchtime with his Jaylynn impression._

BUSTER: Okay, I got more. So, like, yeah, I'm Jaylynn doing my Jaylynn stuff. It's so totally awesomesauce and stuff, wicked rad. Um, I don't know why Anja doesn't like me, that's like, not cool and junk.

 _Jaylynn walks up to the guys._

JAYLYNN: Can you believe I got the last slice of apple pie?

BUSTER: Um, um...STRANGER!

 _Buster takes out a whistle, blows it in Jaylynn's face, and runs from the table._

JAYLYNN: What the hell is he doing?

SPARKY: Getting an adult.

SCENE 10

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _Sparky and Bitch Clock are dancing to "Let's Groove" by Earth, Wind, and Fire as it plays on Bitch Clock's iPod. They start bumping butts and then moonwalking as Buster walks into the house._

BUSTER: Hey guys.

BITCH CLOCK: Shit! _*Bitch Clock pauses the song and removes his iPod from the dock*_ Um, hey Buster. You know, Sparky and I were just having a great debate about who was better, Parliament or Funkadelic?

BUSTER: I don't know who those people are, but okay. Could I talk to Sparky for a minute?

BITCH CLOCK: Yeah, sure. Interrupt our bonding time once again, why don't ya? I'll be in my booze cave. Call me when the _Baywatch_ reruns are on.

 _Bitch Clock sadly takes his stuff and walks upstairs._

BUSTER: You guys were funk dancing again?

SPARKY: Yeah, it's good exercise. What's going on with you?

BUSTER: Well, you know how I tried getting in touch with the media? You know, to talk about my Pepsi lawsuit?

SPARKY: Yeah.

BUSTER: Well, it turns out someone responded.

SPARKY: PepsiCo?!

BUSTER: What? No, it was someone from the public access show _Let's Talk About It_. I'm going to be a guest tomorrow night.

SPARKY: Oh. Don't get my hopes up like that. But Buster, are you sure about this? Public access has no audience, how are you going to reach the people?

BUSTER: I'm going to call PepsiCo out on live television and let them know I mean business. Besides, public access isn't that bad. Without it, PBS wouldn't be around to educate preschoolers and prisoners.

SPARKY: I know, but it seems like a waste of your skills. Public access is just meant to showcase losers who spout random nonsense because producers don't know good television when they see it.

BUSTER: Sparky, I know you're still upset about _Martha Speaks_ , but it's not coming back. Just deal with it.

SPARKY: I CAN'T, IT'S A TRAVESTY!

SCENE 11

Seattle Community Access Network Headquarters

Interior _Let's Talk About It_ Studio

Seattle, Washington

 _The Let's Talk About It audience is clapping as Buster is being interviewed._

HOST: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, welcome again to _Let's Talk About It_. I'm your host, Gerald Stevenson. Our first guest is nine-year-old Buster Newman, local boy from Seattle. And apparently, he has a lot to talk about tonight so Buster...let's talk about it.

 _The scene cuts to RK, Wade, and Jaylynn watching the show at Jaylynn's house._

RK: HA! HE REFERENCED THE TITLE OF THE SHOW!

 _Wade and Jaylynn look at RK bewildered._

RK: Look, when it comes to TV, I appreciate the little things, okay?

GERALD: Now Buster, your story is very interesting and I knew I had to get you to share it. So what's going on, kid?

BUSTER: Well, the other day, a company I respected and loved for many years did something foul. It did something disgusting, it did something horribly unspeakable in ways that are horrible and unspeakable. PepsiCo tried to kill me with a poisoned Mountain Dew!

 _Buster starts crying while covering his face with his hands._

BUSTER: I never saw it coming, Gerald!

GERALD: That is absolutely terrible. Did the Mountain Dew touch you inappropriately?

BUSTER: What kind of question is that? It's a soda.

GERALD: I understand, it's just a formality. Now, why are you even discussing this?

BUSTER: Because I want justice. So many people spend millions of dollars on this crap that just makes them sick. The companies don't care. They just sit around and fill up their bathtubs with our money. Well, that ends tonight. To any member of PepsiCo, I'm coming for you. I'm coming for your wallets and I'm coming for your soul. You broke my heart when you tried to kill me, so now I'm going to break yours. I want justice!

 _The crowd is absolutely speechless._

BUSTER: I said, I WANT...JUSTICE!

 _The crowd roars in applause the second time. At Jaylynn's house, the kids are stunned with their months hanging open. Backstage, Sparky is clapping next to a crew member._

SPARKY: That's my best friend. He's killing it, isn't he?

SCENE 12

Freedom Crew Headquarters

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

 _The Crew is looking at various pictures of African-Americans through the years on the walls._

LEROY: You see this, Wade?

WADE: Yup. The police beating down Frederick Jamison and killing him in Detroit. They thought he stole from the liquor store and they still shot him even after he was dead.

LEROY: Exactly. White policemen, black man. Only one thing happens as a result of that scenario. What do you see here?

WADE: A picture of Stacey Dash.

LEROY: And what does she think about Black History Month?

WADE: It shouldn't exist.

LEROY: It shouldn't exist. Said some internalized racist mumbo jumbo just to appease whitey. And some black people thought she had a point.

WADE: Why are you showing me these pictures? I know about the evils of the white power structure already.

LEROY: I'm not entirely convinced, Wade. I just can't possibly fathom why someone with your intellect and potential could ever degrade yourself by breaking bread with the enemy. Those friends of yours could never relate to brothers like you and me.

WADE: Of course they can't. But that doesn't mean they're not good people. MLK taught us that race is not an indication of character.

LEROY: I don't always agree with the things MLK said. Wade, being pro-black isn't something you just say you are. You have to believe it. It has to be in your inner soul day in and day out or it doesn't mean anything. White people are filthy, uncultured, felonious creatures. They get their power through fraudulence and deceit, then they still have the nerve to speak ill of us even when they profit off of our success. I can't stand white skin. The mission of all white people is to destroy minorities so they can take all the spoils for themselves. I don't think that makes me a racist. It makes me a realist.

WADE: Wow. I never looked at it like that before.

LEROY: Just think about what I said. They all have the same agenda.

 _Wade looks at the floor for a second, then back at the Stacey Dash picture._

SCENE 13

The Saltalamacchia Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _Wade is reading Ralph Ellison's Invisible Man._

WADE: I guess Ras has a point in some ways.

 _RK walks in at that moment. He does not look pleased._

WADE: RK, is that you?

RK: Yeah, it's me. What the hell happened, man? I thought we were going to play extreme frisbee today.

WADE: I got caught up in something more important. Besides, I don't even understand extreme frisbee.

RK: No one does, that's what makes it fun! Now let's go. I want to practice my death spiral trick.

WADE: Yeah, I'm kinda busy right now. Come back later.

RK: You're not busy. You're just reading that book.

WADE: Oh, so I can't educate myself now? Is that what you really think about black people? You don't want us to succeed?

RK: Wade, where are you getting this from?

WADE: Doesn't matter. You'll never be able to relate to the black struggle. Now go away, I can't be around you right now.

RK: Alright, fine. Let me know when you're done being an asshole.

 _RK slams the door behind him as Wade sighs and continues reading Invisible Man._

SCENE 14

The Newman Condominium

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _Sparky and Buster are watching TV._

VOICEOVER: Coming up next, a compilation of Amy Schumer's funniest moments!

SPARKY: I didn't know she had moments! Hey, do you know if anything is going to come out of that talk show appearance?

BUSTER: What talk show appearance?

SPARKY: The one you made last night?

BUSTER: I was on a talk show last night?

SPARKY: Yes, about the shit that went down with PepsiCo! Remember, that whole thing?

BUSTER: Oh yeah, right. I'm sorry, Sparky, I'm really forgetful sometimes. I don't think anything's really going to happen. You were right. Public access is just for crazy people and teen moms.

SPARKY: I never said that. Well, it looks like we failed. I guess the whole thing was a waste.

BUSTER: What was a waste?

 _Sparky gives Buster an annoyed look. Jaylynn comes in with a letter._

JAYLYNN: Hey guys. Buster, this was sent to my house by mistake. You should check it out, it looks pretty serious.

BUSTER: Let me see that. This letter is from Coca-Cola! Oh my God. They're threatening to kill me!

SPARKY: What? That's ridiculous.

BUSTER: Is it really, Sparky? I try taking down PepsiCo, I succeed, then other soda companies are going to be scared that I'm coming after them next. I bet they hired a professional hit man. Dude, read it for me, I'm too scared!

SPARKY: Ugh, fine.

 _While Sparky opens the letter, Buster looks at Jaylynn for a bit._

JAYLYNN: What, you see something you like?

BUSTER: Um, no. I just wanted to know how you were doing.

JAYLYNN: Okay. The police found my car yesterday.

BUSTER: Really? Where was it?

JAYLYNN: Right near a Subway over in Tacoma. I don't know why, but there were a bunch of clothes, empty beer cans, and it smelled like sweat.

BUSTER: Yeah, I might have a theory about that.

JAYLYNN: Me too, but I don't know how that's even possible.

SPARKY: Ah, here we go. "Dear Mr. Newman, blah blah blah, your talk show appearance caught our eye...yada yada yada, cash settlement?!"

BUSTER: What?!

SPARKY: Dude, Coca-Cola reps want to meet you in their Atlanta office to help you with your lawsuit and make even more money!

BUSTER: Holy chalupas!

JAYLYNN: Really?

BUSTER: I like the show. Anyway, Coca-Cola wants to see me? Down south?!

SPARKY: Hell yeah. You know what, I'm coming with. It's road trip time, baby!

BUSTER: Alright! You hear that, Jaylynn? Mort and Carl are about to cash out in Hotlanta!

JAYLYNN: Can I come too?

SPARKY: Sure. Wait, are you just looking for something to do?

JAYLYNN: Can't blame a girl for trying.

BUSTER: Go to your room.

 _Beat._

JAYLYNN: You're mean to me.

SCENE 15

The Saltalamacchia Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _Wade and Adriana are watching TV. Wade looks completely bored as Adriana rests on his shoulder._

ADRIANA: You know, I'm glad we found that movie. This is so relaxing.

WADE: In theory, I suppose. Are we really meant to relax when every day is just a battle against the white man?

ADRIANA: Wade, what are you going on about?

WADE: Oh, there it is right there. I can't expect you to care about the cause. It's just not in your DNA.

ADRIANA: Alright, this is the part where I pause the movie, and I try to understand what your deal is here because, um...babe, you gotta help me with this one.

WADE: It's over.

ADRIANA: What?

WADE: I mean, this relationship. You and me, we're done here. It's over.

ADRIANA: Are you serious?! You're really breaking up with me?! Over what?!

WADE: Over everything. Look, Adi, I don't know if you've noticed, but I've been doing some thinking lately. And I realize that even if you have some nice qualities, we can't work out as boyfriend and girlfriend. I'm black, you're white, the pieces just don't fit anymore.

ADRIANA: Wade, I'm not a white American, you know.

WADE: Oh, like that makes it okay? Adriana, I didn't want it to come to this, but I have to make some changes in my life. I have to be with my own kind and protect the dying black family unit. Don't worry, you'll bounce back in no time. You'll meet a nice Biff or Ted or Justin and forget all about me like I expected you to.

ADRIANA: You know what? Save the sappy speech, I don't need it. If I knew you were this much of a pretentious jerk, I would have never said yes to Buster that day at the corner store.

 _Adriana starts holding back tears as she heads for the door._

ADRIANA: And who knows? Maybe Diana would still be alive if we never met.

 _Adriana slams the door just like RK and Wade simply rolls his eyes._

WADE: It's not my fault I care about my people.

SCENE 16

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _RK and Anna are watching TV and snuggling._

ANNA: Hey, don't you think that KG might pop out and mess up the mood?

RK: Don't worry about KG, he's hanging out with his boys. But if I didn't know any better, I would think you were _looking_ for an excuse to leave early.

ANNA: Yeah, you're on something then. I'm actually having a great time.

RK: Oh, cool. It's cool because I feel like we haven't had a nice date in a long time.

ANNA: Aww, did little RK miss his nice dates with his little girlfriend?

RK: I hate when you mock me, Revia. Let's just enjoy the time we have.

ANNA: And we shall.

 _Adriana walks in having cried earlier with tears continuing to stream down her face._

ADRIANA: Wade broke up with me just now.

RK: And we shall not. Wait a minute, what the hell?!

ANNA: Aww, honey, look at you. He better have a good reason for doing this or I'm going to take a golf club and break his legs with it.

ADRIANA: He was saying some garbage about how he's black and I'm white and he has to protect the black family and whatnot.

ANNA: Okay, where's the club? I'm going to bust his kneecaps wide open.

RK: Hang on, Anna, take a pill. Adriana, Wade broke up with you because you're not black?

ADRIANA: Yeah. He said I don't care about the cause and the pieces don't fit.

RK: Wait a minute. That's like what he told me. That sounds like Freedom Crew garbage.

ADRIANA: What? I thought they rejected him.

RK: I guess they had second thoughts and let him in. It's them. Those bastards are the ones brainwashing Wade and turning him into some kind of smart dumb robot guy.

ANNA: Did you say the Freedom Crew?

RK: Yeah, why?

ANNA: Guys, this thing is a lot more serious than you think. The Freedom Crew's just a cult trying to get rid of anyone that isn't black. I once had a friend that got in, and they threatened to kill her if they ever saw her talking to a white person.

ADRIANA: Oh my God. Wade's going to end up just like them!

RK: No, he's not. I know a scam when I see it. Tomorrow after school, I'm going to that little Freedom Crew hangout and giving them a piece of my mind.

ANNA: RK, don't do anything stupid. Those guys are crazy.

RK: Yes, but I'm insane. There's levels to this shit. Besides, I'm not going to lose Wade to anybody. Especially those pro-black jerks.

ADRIANA: Is there anything you want us to do?

RK: No, that's okay. I'll handle it myself. But wait, Anna, if you knew about the Freedom Crew's agenda, why didn't you say anything before?

ANNA: How come you never tell me anything that's going on with you guys so you don't have to ask me questions like that?

RK: Oh. Right. I hear Sparky and Buster are going to Georgia.

ANNA: Too late, sweetie.

SCENE 17

Freedom Crew Headquarters

Interior Meeting Hall

Seattle, Washington

 _The Crew is settling into their seats as Leroy walks up to Ben._

LEROY: Hey, Ben, I thought about your slogan for the group and I'm going another way.

BEN: Okay. What are you going with?

LEROY: "Freedom for you, freedom for me, freedom for everybody."

BEN: That's corny.

LEROY: Don't argue with me about this, I just need to bang the gavel and make it official.

 _RK walks into the room with a baseball bat._

RK: Hello boys.

JAMES: Hey, it's Wade's tubby ex-best friend!

RK: I'm not tubby, I'm just plump. And what the hell are you talking about when you say ex?

LEROY: I'll be the one asking the questions here, fool. We don't allow white people in here under any circumstances. How did you make it past the guard?

RK: I just asked if I could go inside and he said it's fine as long as I don't have a gun. You really need to hire better security.

BEN: It's true. We only hired him to protect us during shootings.

LEROY: Benjamin?!

BEN: What? The white boy has a point.

LEROY: Ugh. Look, why are you in our presence?

RK: You really thought you could keep pulling your scams, huh? Well, if anybody knows about scams and schemes and con artists, it's me. Now, Wade was a great guy before you idiots got to him. Thanks to you, he's just another asshole thinking that all white people are evil and they need to die.

LEROY: Well, it's true. They do need to die. And I'm surprised you know about this, considering the fact that Wade already ended his friendship with you.

RK: We never stopped being friends. Since when were we not friends?

LEROY: Dude, we told Wade that in order to be a member, he had to stop hanging out with you and your creepy friends and dump his plain-looking girlfriend. Those were the terms.

RK: He dumped Adriana yesterday.

LEROY: Yesterday? Well, it looks like neither of us can really trust Wade at this point.

RK: Look, the bottom line is, you psychos need to stop doing what you're doing to Wade. You people just have an agenda to get more powerful by taking advantage of the world without actually doing anything for anybody. As far as I know, you haven't done anything for black people.

LEROY: We let them know that by subscribing to our beliefs, they no longer have to submit to their oppressors. In this world, the only way you can get what you want is by taking it. And that's the problem with people like you, RK. You automatically believe people owe you things because you're white, steal from hard-working minorities and act like you're cool with them just so you can use the n-word without consequence. Your kind makes me sick.

RK: Dumbass, you have a white guy in your group right there in the back!

 _The camera cuts to the only white member of the Freedom Crew, who tries not to look at anybody by covering his face._

BEN: That's different.

JAMES: He has a pass, RK!

LEROY: Yeah, he's more of the "bring 'em to the barbeque" type of guy.

RK: Uh huh. You people are so sick, I need a gas mask right about now.

LEROY: Okay, here's how I see things. You have no role in Wade's life anymore. He wants to serve _us_. He wants to fight for the benefit of African-Americans everywhere, and he wants to stand up to people like you. You have no leverage here.

RK: Maybe I don't, but at least I know what freedom means.

 _RK starts walking towards the door._

LEROY: Just one minute.

RK: What?

LEROY: Don't ever come here again with your garbage or there's going to be a serious problem.

RK: Bitch, shut up.

 _RK leaves the room as Leroy's eyes widen in shock._

LEROY: GENTLEMEN! We have a very serious problem.

JAMES: Are we out of bean dip again? You said you were going to replace it.

LEROY: No, I don't care about that. It's Wade. We tried, but it seems like the white man still has a hold on him. We have to try and get rid of the problem in his life.

BEN: It's his stupid friends and his ditzy girlfriend. They're holding him back.

LEROY: Exactly! Without them, Wade would be able to help us spread our message all across the Northwest. If we give them a beating, they'll never bother Wade again and we'll have him all to ourselves.

JAMES: Okay, but how do we solve the bean dip problem?

LEROY: I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE STUPID BEAN DIP! We just need to solve the problem and save Wade.

BEN: Wait a minute. A beating? I thought we handled problems with nonviolence.

 _Leroy notices that RK left his baseball bat on the floor._

LEROY: Desperate times call for desperate measures.

SCENE 18

Atlanta, Georgia

 _("Southernplayalisticadillacmuzik" by OutKast playing in the background)_

 _Shots of the Atlanta skyline are shown, along with brief clips of the Fox Theatre, Centennial Olympic Park, the Atlanta Botanical Garden, and Turner Field. The scene then cuts to Sparky and Buster in an office at Coca-Cola Headquarters, waiting for company representatives._

BUSTER: Alright, Sparky, check this out. When the guys from the Coke company come in here to talk about the money, just let me handle it.

SPARKY: What? No way!

BUSTER: It's my story. I should be the one doing the talking. You can be my muscle in case things get out of hand.

SPARKY: Buster, you and I both know you're a terrible negotiator. Remember Ashley's garage sale?

 _CUTAWAY GAG_

 _Buster is at Ashley's house looking at a bike._

ASHLEY: This is my brother's bike and he said that anyone who buys it has to pay twenty dollars.

BUSTER: Twenty? That's ridiculous! $18.50 or no deal! Got change for a twenty?

 _END OF CUTAWAY_

BUSTER: Honestly, I feel like it was a steal.

SPARKY: Look, I know what to do in situations like these. Trust me, man.

 _The Coca-Cola representatives walk in, consisting of three middle-aged white men._

BUSTER: Damn. Their lips must be so crusty.

SPARKY: Now you have me thinking about it! Gentlemen, I'm Buster Newman's best friend and legal representative Sparky MacDougal.

BUSTER: And I'm Buster Newman. I suffered serious pain from that Mountain Dew and I'm here to get what I came for. Let's see the money.

COKE REP #1: Hello. I'm Stan Gunderson and I liked your initiative in calling out Pepsi on that talk show.

SPARKY: I wonder how you guys were able to watch the show all the way from here.

STAN: One of our Seattle representatives was channel surfing and found out about the lawsuit, then reported it to us as soon as possible. We want PepsiCo to pay for what they did to you.

COKE REP #2: All they care about is money and making commercials with cheap pop music. We have always cared about our customers.

BUSTER: I appreciate that. That's why cherry Coke has always been...

STAN: First of all, we want to know how much PepsiCo hurt you. How you felt internally as that Mountain Dew took away your stomach acid's innocence.

BUSTER: Well, it was terrible. I could barely walk, I was on the couch for a couple of hours, I...

COKE REP #3: Exactly how disgusting is Pepsi as a soda to you?

SPARKY: He actually likes Pepsi.

STAN: More than Coke? Because Buster, this is about more than just soda. This is about destroying an entire company, taking jobs away from uncaring citizens, and ending a crooked business that has been trying to undercut us for years. We want to know your pain so we can utilize it as best as we can.

BUSTER: Wait a minute. You guys don't care about me or what happened to me. You just want to stick it to Pepsi one more time!

COKE REP #3: That's not true. We don't manipulate people like that.

STAN: Exactly. By the way, are there any pictures of you and your friend crying we can use? I mean...dammit.

SPARKY: You know what? I think we've been had.

BUSTER: I guess we have. This is one of the first things your parents teach you: Never trust old white men unless they have candy. We're out of here.

 _Sparky and Buster walk out of the door with both of them flipping off the Coke reps._

STAN: Why do we always make people uncomfortable when we negotiate?

COKE REP #2: Because we're rich and powerful.

STAN: Oh yeah, right, I forgot.

 _The scene cuts to Sparky and Buster outside the room._

SPARKY: I can't believe those idiots. Trying to turn us into charity cases like that. You okay, man?

BUSTER: I'll be better. Maybe I should just drop the lawsuit.

SPARKY: What? You can't! What about justice?

BUSTER: Please, PepsiCo's not even going to respond to my letters or my interviews or my angry tweets that run out of words so I have to keep tweeting. Maybe this was all just a waste of time.

SPARKY: Well, we can still spend the day together in Atlanta.

BUSTER: You know what? You're right! How about we see a Braves game tonight?

SPARKY: Or even better, how about we order room service, and watch the game on TV?!

BUSTER: I like the way you think. Ah, the beauty of hotels.

SPARKY: Yeah.

SCENE 19

iCarly Elementary School

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

 _Wade walks through the doors and heads towards his car as his phone starts vibrating._

WADE: Huh? Oh, it's Leroy. _Wade picks up his phone._ Hey Leroy, what's up? I'm sorry I couldn't make the meeting, I had to catch up on some homework.

LEROY: It's okay. I actually called to tell you we're finally taking care of your problem.

WADE: What? What problem?

LEROY: Your friends and your girlfriend. We know you never really told them you couldn't hang out with them anymore.

WADE: Well, for your information, I've excommunicated myself from them already. They can't understand people like us.

LEROY: Exactly. Which is why we're teaching them a lesson they'll never forget. Just come to RK's house and you can thank us later.

 _Wade hangs up and his eyes widen._

WADE: Wait a minute. He's going to hurt them?!

 _Wade runs towards his car, starts it up, and drives off in an instant._

SCENE 20

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

 _Leroy, Ben, and James are beating up RK with repeated punches and kicks. Adriana is screaming as two other members of the Crew hold her down on the couch. RK coughs up blood as he looks up at Leroy._

RK: Is that all you got?

 _Leroy responds with a roundhouse kick to RK's head, knocking him out._

JAMES: Okay, I think he's done for now.

LEROY: Alright, get the bat. I want the first crack at this bitch.

BEN: Wait, what?! Dude, we're not going to hit a sister with a baseball bat!

LEROY: Shut up. What I say goes, now get the damn bat!

ADRIANA: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

 _Wade runs inside and sees the chaos that the Crew has caused._

WADE: STOP, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!

 _Wade takes the bat away from Leroy and throws it into the kitchen. He then hears muffled screaming._

WADE: What was that?

LEROY: The white man playing tricks on you.

WADE: Leroy, what...was that?

LEROY: Guys, bring them in!

 _Two members of the Freedom Crew bring in Jaylynn, Anja, and Anna, who are tied up to chairs with rope while their mouths are covered with tape._

WADE: What in God's name is wrong with you?! We don't hurt people like this. RK! You motherf***ers better explain what's going on right now!

LEROY: First of all, never in your life address me with that tone. Second of all, we're doing this for you. These idiots are holding you back and keeping you from being like us. With them out of the picture, we can start making this a black man's world again.

WADE: Going around assaulting innocent people because they don't think like you isn't the way to do it. If you really cared about black people, you would find a way to bring us together, not just hate everybody who's different.

LEROY: This is how the world works, Wade. It's easy to think for yourself, but if black people like you don't have anyone positive to answer to, you won't get anywhere.

WADE: Let me ask you this. When have you guys ever, and I mean _ever_ , did anything to help black people get somewhere? When?

LEROY: That's not our main priority right now. We have to...

WADE: No. I used to look up to you guys because I thought you had something to say about people like me, but you're just frauds looking for fame. People like you are as dangerous to blacks succeeding as those white supremacist assholes because neither of you want us to be successful. You just want us to think like you so you can have power and say that you did something at the end of the day.

LEROY: I do my thing for black people. Hell, I have a black girlfriend.

WADE: Thank you for serving your people by dating someone black. You want a freaking cookie for that? Now you guys better get the hell out of here before I call the cops on you. Consider that a favor.

LEROY: Fine. We don't need coons like you in our group. Come on, guys, we're out of here.

 _Leroy leads the group out the door while Wade tries to untie the girls._

LEROY: It's too bad, though. We were this close to getting rid of the problem.

WADE: Then you have a long way to go, because as far as I'm concerned, the real problem is you.

 _Leroy rolls his eyes and closes the door behind him._

WADE: Guys, are you okay? I can't believe I let this happen.

JAYLYNN: They showed up at my house and just started pounding us. Next thing we know, we're in that chair.

ANNA: Wade, please tell me you're never going to have anything to do with that group ever again.

WADE: Never again. I learned a really important lesson today.

ADRIANA: No, you didn't.

 _Wade turns around and sees Adriana's angry expression._

WADE: Look, Adriana, you have every right to bite my head off. I was a terrible person and thanks to me, you almost died. I just want you to know that I only want to be with you and no racist group can change that.

ADRIANA: You know, it's going to take a while for me to trust you again, but...I love you too much to not take you back.

WADE: Thank you.

 _Wade and Adriana hug._

ADRIANA: And you know, I was just pissed when I said that Diana thing. If Buster never met us, my life wouldn't be nearly as great as it is now.

WADE: Likewise.

ANJA: RK, are you okay?

RK: Yeah, I'm just trying to figure out what the doctor should look at first.

WADE: RK, I was an asshole to you. I don't want that kind of garbage to ever get in the way of our friendship again.

RK: Then it won't. Because I never gave a shit what color you were. You're still the best guy I know.

 _The two guys smile and then hug._

WADE: Are you guys going to beat the hell out of me once you're healed up?

ANNA: Yeah.

JAYLYNN: I should slice your face open, letting them kids manhandle us like that.

RK: Yeah, you're really going to get it.

ADRIANA: You bet your ass I'm throwing you down the stairs.

WADE: OKAY, I DESERVE IT!

 _Fade to black. The kids are then shown at WWE Extreme Rules._

TSE: Now it's time for...

STEVE SONGS: Yoo hoo!

KIDS: Music Time!

STEVE SONGS: With Steve Songs.

 _("Funkin' Lesson" by X-Clan playing in the end credits)_

 _POST-CREDITS GAG_

 _Sparky and Buster are watching TV at Buster's condo looking bored._

SPARKY: So what was the point of this whole Pepsi thing?

BUSTER: The squeaky wheel gets the grease?

SPARKY: But we didn't get anything in the end!

BUSTER: Look, Sparky, I don't know what you want me to say. I tried beating the system but I guess nobody listens to kids anymore.

 _The doorbell is rung as the two stare at each other confused._

SPARKY: Were you expecting someone?

BUSTER: No.

 _Buster opens the door and is given by a large package by the deliveryman that he signs for._

BUSTER: Excuse me, where is this from?

DELIVERYMAN: Purchase, New York.

SPARKY: Purchase?!

BUSTER: Yeah, thanks.

DELIVERYMAN: Sure.

 _Buster closes the door and drags in the package._

BUSTER: Look, a note! "Dear Buster, we heard about your Mountain Dew ordeal and we want to express our regret. To show our gratitude to you for being such a great customer, please treat yourself to some Mountain Dew on us! Yeah. We said something."

SPARKY: So Pepsi still thinks this is their fault, but they're going to give you the drink that almost killed you?

BUSTER: Yeah!

SPARKY: And you're cool with that?

BUSTER: Hey, life is like a box of cashews. You never know which one you're going to choke on.

SPARKY: What?

BUSTER: I dunno.

 _Sparky sighs and helps Buster open the box._

©2016 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS


	2. The Trouble with Militants B-Pass

_PRODUCTION/CULTURAL REFERENCES (written 5/29/16-5/30/16)_

-This is an episode that I had to sit on for a while because of the subject matter. A while ago, I came up with the rule that the show should not tackle any serious issues until it was ready. Adult animated shows tend to handle real-world topics inconsistently. Sometimes, they end up bringing no awareness to the topic and portray it in a way that is unrealistic and clunky. I came up with the idea for the episode a couple months ago, but at the time, I really wasn't serious about it because I didn't actually think I could talk about this issue in a way that translated well to the _Thank You, Heavenly_ style. I have to say, I liked working on this episode and it turned out better than I expected it to.

-Episodes like this one are necessary because every now and then, I do want the show to get serious or comment on an issue I care about. It helps raise the level of writing a bit and allows _Thank You, Heavenly_ to do more than just tell jokes all the time. The important thing was that this episode not be so serious to keep it in the series' tone.

-To balance out the seriousness of the main plot, I came up with the idea of Buster suing PepsiCo. This is actually based on something that happened to me not that long ago. In fact, it was only a couple of weeks ago that I drank a can of Mountain Dew and got a bad stomachache. It lasted for the rest of the day and even affected me the next day. I'm not sure if it was the soda's fault or I just had too much to drink, but I was in great pain and thought the soda was going to poison me. A couple days after that, I knew it had to be a _Thank You, Heavenly_ plot.

-The episode's main plot addresses internalized racism, black militancy, and the hive mind mentality. This is the kind of story I've been interested in telling for a long time, but I had to wait until the show got older and I had more confidence in my writing to put it in action. Because I have no problems with being pro-black in general, and the fact that white supremacy is still considerably worse at this point in time, I had to make the Freedom Crew absolutely unlikable. I didn't want to build up any sympathy for them, I didn't want them to have a lot of legitimate points, and I didn't want their actions to be justified. They act as real-world people entering the _Thank You, Heavenly_ universe, and because of that, they can't exist for too long before they are gotten rid of.

-I felt like it was way overdue for an appearance by Adriana and Anna, especially after the last episode where I lampshaded their infrequent roles. I still want both of them to be on the show, but it is very difficult to include them when several of the stories I have come up with do not involve them directly, and their appearances would be unnecessary. Having Adriana in the main plot gave Wade's conflict more emotion, and Anna's appearance gave her something to do that actually moved the story along instead of her not being there at all.

-Had this episode been scrapped from season four, it would have become a holdover and aired as one of the first few episodes of season five. I actually have a lot of ideas planned for the new season and beyond. Counting the episodes that have yet to be written completely or at all, the new episode ideas I have been thinking up for weeks, and the ideas for the two-part one hundredth episode in November, I have 82 potential episodes saved in my notes.

-The Freedom Crew was meant to be a parody of radical groups and act as fake intellectuals, those who encourage others to change things while doing absolutely nothing themselves to change things. I really wanted them to be slimy people in general.

-In the first scene, Sparky references both Cimorelli episodes ("My Weekend with the CimFam," "My Thanksgiving with the CimFam") when talking to Wade about meeting his heroes.

-Jaylynn's interaction with the LGBT seminar host was actually inspired by a Charlamagne tha God interview with DJ Vlad about Caitlyn Jenner. He apparently tweeted her and said that her interest in girls made her lesbian, then was later attacked by people on Twitter over his statement.

-When talking about his quest, Buster references the rap group A Tribe Called Quest, then later references the heavy metal band Twisted Sister and their 1984 hit "We're Not Gonna Take It."

-Jaylynn makes a _Degrassi_ reference ("LoveGame," the episode where Clare yells at Eli) when she questions Wade's motives for joining the Freedom Crew.

-The Freedom Crew wearing Oakland Raiders jackets is a reference to the rap group Public Enemy, because frontman Chuck D would often wear Raiders jackets back when the team played in Los Angeles (they moved there from Oakland, the birthplace of the Black Panther Party, in 1982 and moved back in 1995).

-The dinner scene was great to write because it just showed how the kids' experiences would confuse and shock the average person.

-Leroy changes Wade's middle name to "Remus," a reference to the slave character Uncle Remus who told folktales about African-American life in the South.

-One of my friends constantly says that he feels "fresh out the womb," so I decided to include that saying in an episode.

-When talking about RK's fake _Simpsons_ party, Wade references the episode "Homer the Great" where Homer joins Springfield's secret society, the Stonecutters, and ends up becoming revealed as the "Chosen One" by chance.

-Part of me wonders how many people will actually take what the Freedom Crew said and did in this episode seriously.

-When Wade reads _Invisible Man_ , he starts identifying with Ras the Destroyer, the black nationalist character who was strongly opposed to the narrator's activities.

-One of the things I was unable to resolve in "When Satan Takes the Wheel" was Jaylynn's car being stolen so it was mentioned in this episode. At this point, she has two cars but since the season finale is going to be centered around her, that will most likely play a part.

-Buster references Max Fuller's catchphrase "Holy chalupas!" from _Fuller House_.

-Originally, Buster was going to mistake Atlanta for New York by calling it the Big Apple, Jaylynn was going to correct him, and Buster would ignore his mistake by criticizing New York, but I felt like the scene was going to make him too stupid, especially after he forgot about the entire subplot.

-I was torn on whether or not to keep Adriana's line about Diana because it just felt harsh to say, but considering the fact that Wade was being harsh as well, I decided to keep it.

-I was _this_ close to having Ben and James turn on Leroy along with the rest of the Crew, but I decided not to do that for time constraints, and also because it was something that wasn't completely necessary for the story so I left it as them eventually finding their own way.

-The one legitimate point Leroy made during his scene with RK actually does apply to some white people who act entitled and take advantage of minorities, but the problem is, his point does not apply to the guys themselves. This was important to include because it helped make clear that the Freedom Crew was the true antagonist.

-The only white guy in the Freedom Crew acted as the token white character, and also refers to the internet meme of black people bringing certain white people to the barbeque.

-In the Atlanta sequence, I was considering having "Panda" by Desiigner play, but that would have been too predictable so I stuck with my first choice.

-The cutaway with Buster paying $18.50 for Ashley's brother's bike would have initially ended with him paying more than twenty bucks, but that joke would have also been too predictable so I went with Buster thinking that if he lowered the price slightly, he would have seen it as a good deal.

-Originally, there was going to be a scene showing Jaylynn and Anja getting assaulted but the episode was long enough at that point. I also included Anna at the last minute.

-I'm really enjoying the use of the post-credits gag to help wrap up plots and end on jokes.


End file.
